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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
this is me
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.