Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”