[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.