Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.