How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Breaking news:
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?