me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*