At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
That’s it.I’m out.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken