If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I have so many questions.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too