UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.