Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.