{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.