She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.