10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Life with a cat in one tweet
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian