I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE