Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
no