*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Thursday
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard