If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.