In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
You Might Also Like
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
What flavor cupcake are these
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers