No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.