Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”