what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.