Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]