Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Put my back out twerking in the library again
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second