I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.