I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.