IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
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Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.