I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life