I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Does this dress make me look cat?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*