Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
wish me luck lads
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.