[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
This could be us… but you playing
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was