ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday