The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.