[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
the council will decide your fate
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty