*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay