[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This was the best day of my life
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.