If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
(Electricians.)
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.