Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”