Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”