What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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RT if you could go either way.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip