the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Leaving the Barbers like
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.