Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night