Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.