Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
But I really needed water water water
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.