Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’m giving up for Lent.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”