HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
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I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”