“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.