Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.