My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
You Might Also Like
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.