I falcon love using swear birds
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.