If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
i did the math
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.